Just Another Day

Today I lost myself

This has happened a few times before.

I forgot who I am and what makes me,

I fell out of myself at the door.

I watched as I was manic,

Selfish with time and attention.

I cringed as I listened intently

To my lack of sincere intention.

With or at? At or with?

A spectacle or experience shared?

I’ll say something else as always,

Too afraid to not be heard.

Then manic gives way to loathing.

“In their eyes, a cartoon I’ve become!”

I want to show them I’m real

But my real will be boring to some.

At home I’m honestly me

But there I’m old and tired.

She deserves those men in the stories-

They're interesting and inspired.

It’s just another day

Tomorrow will be better or worse.

Maybe the same will happen.

For her, I’m becoming a curse.

My Book Smells of Popcorn

I wasn't at my best today.
No reason, some days just happen that way.
I felt sad because some people I love are struggling.
But they are brave - braver than me.

There were moments when I was high,
Bouncing around, talking fast.
This happens quite a bit-
I turn into a puppy, needing attention and knocking things over.

But then it hits me.
I'm a joke, people don't take me seriously because they have no cause to.
Damn them! They are wrong. I have things to say.
Important things.

Maybe they don't see me as a joke - maybe I see me as a joke.

My book smells of popcorn.
I wonder why that is?
Some people always smell nice
- that's nice.

For a moment I thought about when we were young and my aftershave bottle spilled onto Becky's pillow.
She said she didn't mind because the smell made her think of me.
I like that memory.

Some people are very consistent. I appreciate that.
My head swirls with good and bad, faster and faster.

I think my integrity is important to me, but I'm worried that it's breakable.
I hope I don't disappoint Becky.

One time I wrote a poem and she named an entire business after it. Ha.
She makes me laugh.

I just noticed a canal I didn't know was there. It's still.
I want to throw a big rock in.

Someone is being loud on the train.
They are shouting at a person who is sick because they are drunk. I think they are homeless.
I want to say something.
I'm going to say something.
Dammit, I'm a coward!

This is my stop.